Chronicles of a Help Desk Idiot

Hi All,

So I know that over the last few weeks I’ve been hitting my readers with some pretty bleak topics and decided to reward you all for sticking it out with me. Below are a few encounters that I chronicled from my time as a Help Desk Support Analyst, which I recently found on an old Flash Drive… and yes, each of these actually happened!

Enjoy my pain!


Call 1:

Me: Are there any lights on the device?

Caller: No, its not working…

Me: Is it powered on?

Caller: How do I check that?

Me: Hit the power button

Caller: I don’t see it

Me: Its the one labeled POWER!

Caller: Oh… ok… HEY! Everything is working now!

facepalm


Call 2:

Caller: Your password system is really not “User Friendly!”

Me: Well how do you suggest making it user friendly? I’ll pass on any suggestions to my supervisor

Caller: Well I don’t have any…

Me: ….

slow_clap_citizen_kane.gif


 


Call 3:

User: *Click*

Me: ok…


Call 4:

Me: So let me get this straight; you disabled your firewall, turned off Macafee, and spybot, and you don’t understand why your computer crashed?

Caller: They were slowing my computer down.

Me: Hows your computer running now?

Caller: Well its not

Me: Exactly!

facepalm.jpg


Call 5:

Caller: Its spelled F as in Foreplay A as in Oral B as in Bra

Me: … Ok!

facepalm.jpg


Call 6:

Me: Ok go ahead and fill in the form.

Caller: What do I put in under the name catagory

Me: Your name?

Caller: Well what is it?

1399939222225-dumpfm-catz-shrug


Call 7:

Analyst: Ok I’ll have a tech come by and replace the keyboard for you

Caller: You can’t do it over the phone?

Analyst: How am I supposed to replace a keyboard for you over the phone?

Caller: Well I need it now!

facepalm.jpg


Call 8:

Me: Help desk,

Caller: Hi, my coworker needs his computer fixed

Me: Whats wrong with it?

Caller: Its just not working?

Me: Ma’am that’s like me going into the doctors office and saying “I don’t feel well.” Whats wrong? “I dunno I just don’t feel well.”


Call 9:

Me: Ok whats the IP address of the computer

Caller: I don’t know

Me: What version of windows are you using?

Caller: I don’t know

Me: What were you doing when it crashed?

Caller: I dont know… can you help me?

Me: I don’t know…

Caller: Well you’re a lot of help!


Call 10:

Me: Help Desk

Caller: I’ve been waiting for 20 minutes

Me: So did the 30 callers ahead of you.

Caller: But my issue is top priority

Me: So were the 30 calls ahead of you, they all said they wanted urgent tickets

Caller: This is ridiculous

Me: Yeah they said that too… so what can I do for you today?

Caller: Oh forget you, I’ll call back later!

Me: Have a nice day!

facepalm.jpg


Call 11:

ME: Helpdesk, what can I do for you?

CALLER: (Heavy latino accent) Hi yesh dis is marta, I needa speak with da networkin team?

ME: Ok whats your username?

CALLER: huh?

ME: Do you have a username?

CALLER: What? I no understanda wata you mean.

ME: A USE-R-NAAAME!!

CALLER: Huh?

ME: *Click* You understand that? Huh? Huh!?


Call 12:

ME: Helpdesk what can I do for you today?

CALLER: Yes hi, I would like to speak to the IS manager, I am the head of technology of the company.

ME: Ok your username? (Knowing this is BS.)

CALLER: I don’t need to give one, just please forward me…

ME: Suuuuure hang on one sec…

(Forwards to the Chinese restaurant down the street, they barely speak English and the receptionist is a firecracker)

(Typical scumbag telemarketer call)

 


Call 13:

ME: Helpdesk, what can I do for you today.

CALLER: Yes hi, my computer recently crashed, and I was wondering if I could bring it in to be fixed.

ME: What is the device number?

CALLER: Oh, it doesn’t have one. Its my personal computer.

ME: I’m sorry sir, this is the INTERNAL support helpdesk, we don’t service non-incorporated machines.

CALLER: But I’m an employee there.

ME: I understand that, but that is still not one of our computers, we can’t do anything with it.

CALLER: This is fucking stupid

ME: Cest La Ve…


Call 14:

ME: Helpdesk what can I do for you today?

CALLER: I think I need my password reset, I can’t log in…

ME: Ok what is your username?

CALLER: I don’t remember…

ME: Its what you log in every day with.

CALLER: Yeah, I don’t remember.

ME: Ok, then how do you know you need your password reset?

CALLER: I was just guessing?



Call 15:

ME: Helpdesk, what can I do for you today?

CALLER: Uh yes hi, I just took the drivers test and I wanted to speak to the nice young man who gave me the great review?

ME: …What???

CALLER: Also, uh which ocean are you guys located near?

ME: (That’s it… not even going to bother asking about a username…)

(Transferred call to Chinese restaurant.)


Call 16:

ME: Helpdesk…

CALLER: Uh yes hi I need a bookshelf moved and I was told to call you.

ME: Who told you to call us?

CALLER: The maintenance dept.

ME: So let me get this straight, the maintenance dept, the people who normally clean, move furniture, and keep the place running told you to call the COMPUTER help desk to have a bookshelf moved?

CALLER: Yes…

ME: Is there a computer on it?

CALLER: No.

ME: Then do me a favor; call maintenance back and tell them from me that they need to move that shelf for you.


Call 17:

 

CALLER: Ugh, my computer is a piece of shit, I’m in need of a new one!

ME: I wouldn’t complain too much.

CALLER: And why is that?

ME: Well because. When you get your brand spanking new replacement, they will take that computer, rebuild it, and give it to me as my replacement.

CALLER: Hahaha you’re kidding!

ME: No, I’m not…

 



Readers,

Do you have a question about writing, publishing, my stories, etc? Please feel free to post a comment or email me.
jimthewritingwizard@gmail.com
I’ll use those comments to select my next blog post.

I have been writing for several years, have 4 published works, experience with publishing and independent work, so I can hopefully be of assistance.
Please note, I only do one of these a day and will do my best to respond to everyone, but it may take some time.

You can also add me on Twitter!

Also, feel free to check out my works of Fantasy and Historical Fiction, Available on Amazon and where ever books are sold. See the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/James-Harrington/e/B00P7FBXTU

Thanks friends!
Catch you on the flip side!

-Jim

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